Merula 4:2

Chapter 4:2 -Odd occurrences

Morgan led me out of the classroom. My legs were shaking and my mind was fuzzy with thoughts. What has just happened? Was it just my imagination or had I...? Was it my fault that the lamp exploded? How did I do that? What if someone got hurt? But I had wanted for someone to get hurt. I had wanted to hurt Rogan. What if I killed him? I met Rogan's brown eyes among the students. He stared furiously at me as always. My knees gave in. I had almost killed him. For what? For a little attention from the teacher.

I could hear the other students discuss this strange occurrence. Were they afraid? Terrified, like me? Did they know, did they suspect me? I could feel their cold stares, their vicious grins and hear their mean laughter. They knew., didn't they? My heart beat faster and harder. I felt caged. I couldn't stand their stares. I had to get out of there.

-Edi, are you alright?

I could hardly distinguish Morgan's voice, my racing pulse filled my ears. I think I nodded weakly to his question. I tried to stand and Morgan helped me up.

-Out... I need..., I tried to convey to him.

-I'll help you, he answered and led me through the buzzing bunch of students.

I don't remember how but Morgan managed to take me to the nurse.

-She's in shock, a little rest and she'll be fine. Don't give her anything to eat or drink before she has recovered from the shock, alright? The nurse instructed Morgan after she'd examined me.

-Yes, ma'am, Morgan said and saluted.

I know he did it to make me smile but I couldn't smile.

-You know, you're pale as snow, Morgan told me.

-I think I need to go home.

-I'll follow you.

-No thanks. Don't use me as an excuse to get out of class.

-I'm not, Morgan tried to look innocent with his light blue eyes and held up his hands in surrender.

After half an hour in the flat I was thinking that staying in school would have been better than dealing with my crazy head. It ached terribly and made it impossible to think straight. I couldn't figure out what had happened or how it happened. Worst of all was the guilt. I had almost killed Rogan. I could have killed him. Every turn I took in my head I kept coming back to how I almost killed him. I could see him dead before me. His chocolate brown eyes were motionless and cold, his body stiff and strange-looking. Tears kept coming every time I saw him lifeless and tears aren't a good cure for a headache. My head grew heavier. I tried to sleep it off, I even took a pill despite my fear of pills but nothing would rid me from my headache. It was worse than ever before. I could hardly see straight.

That's when Rogan returned home. I was in the kitchen, forcing myself to swallow another pill as he first one hadn't worked. I heard the door close and I could hear from the motion that it was him. I hoped he would silently vanish into his room. Fate wanted otherwise. He walked straight into the kitchen.

-How can you skip school just because a light bulb broke? His voice had its usual edge in it.

-It exploded, I said weakly.

-Have you always been this lazy? If you was going to stay home you could've at least cleaned up after you.

No matter how guilt-ridden I had felt when I was alone with my aching head another part of me still hated Rogan sincerely. How could he just walk in and start complaining?

-Could you stop spreading your things around the flat? Rogan said irritated.

-What do you mean? I asked tiredly.

-It's such a mess! You know this isn't your home. You just live here.

It had been a long day to begin with. This was the shot in Sarajevo. I could feel my tears creeping up in the corners of my eyes. I turned around so he wouldn't see my tears and tried to find my stuff in the general mess of the flat. I couldn't see any of my things which made the situation even worse. I was wrongly accused. I swallowed and turned around with a sassy smile.

-Could you be so kind to point out where my stuff are exactly as I can't seem to recognise them. At all.

Rogan's eyes flashed and I could hear him grit his teeth before he searched the living room with his eyes.

-Those earphones...

-Your little brothers.

-That sweater...

-Mandy's.

-That book.

-Blake's, jeez Rogan, do you think I would ever read something about some football player? I sighed.

And Rogan grit this teeth once more.

-That scarf, he tried again.

-Adeline's. Can I leave now?

I needed a nap or at least a break from Rogan. My head was killing me.

-Ah, those notes are yours.

Rogan proudly held up some sheets with a victorious and vicious grin. I lost it. He was so desperately looking for things to bring me down and I couldn't take it anymore.

-Those are YOUR fucking notes, Rogan! Leave me alone!

I stormed into my room which wasn't my room and shut the door that wasn't mine either before my knees gave in for the second time this day. I was torn between guilt and hatred. But with each breath I took my anger grew. I didn't even want to let it go, I didn't want to settle down and relax. My body shivered in anger.

And so did the room. It quivered around me and the light bulbs flickered anxiously. The room filled with tension. It was as if my surroundings came alive nourished by my anger. I wanted to believe that it was my splitting headache that made me delusional but when the old heater's water begun to boil I could no longer hide from truth. It was me, I was making the room quiver and lights flicker and the heater boil with fury. Terrified I opened the door and rushed out. Right into Rogan's arms.

-What! He said irritated and glared down at me. But he didn't push me away.

-Something's wrong... with the room, I said weakly, I couldn't tell him that I thought it was my doing.

He pushed me behind his back and slowly approached the bedroom. He pushed it open with his foot and took a quick look inside.

-There's nothing, he said at last.

-Well, I knew you wouldn't..., I begun to defend.

-Oh, I believe you. I felt it too. The whole flat sort of vibrated in anger.

I stared at him with large eyes and Rogan raised an eyebrow.

-I don't have any other way to describe it, sorry if it doesn't suit you.

-No, no, it's just that's exactly how I felt too. I thought my headache was playing with me.

-You have headaches? Rogan asked astounded.

I glared at him, who's fault did he think it was?

-Yes, like any other human being.

-Sorry, I meant it more like “you have headaches as well”, I also have headaches. More than usually. Since you came.

-That's probably because you go around and irritate yourself on my existence and fight every second breath you take.

-Not true.

No? was what I wanted to ask but I kept it to myself and sighed. Deeply. My hands was shaking nervously and I knew that if I didn't find a chair soon enough my legs would crumble too. I walked slowly into the kitchen, the furthest room away from my bedroom except from the bathroom but I didn't want to sit in there and wait for my legs to stand on their own. Rogan followed me quietly, watching me as I with shaky hands pulled out a chair.

-You want something to eat? There's soup from yesterday, Rogan said gently.

It surprised the both of us.

-Yes thank you.

I hadn't eaten anything since breakfast and my stomach was growling. Rogan reheated the soup and sat it down in front of me together with a glass of water. Then he sat down opposite me.

-How's your head? He asked.

I blinked at him. Was he asking me how I was feeling? This was not like him. First he gave me food and now he asked me about my health. I couldn't hate him at the moment.

-It's better, it's just a small nibbling now. I suppose the second pill really helped.

-You took two pills? You don't even like pills.

-Well, that's how bad my headache was, making me resort to unimaginable resolutions. But my headache's almost gone now so it's worth it.

-How long have you have headaches?

-Since I met you. But it's only natural since we fight all the time.

There was no disagreeing with that. All we did was fight and most of the time the reasons for our quarrels were silly or non-existent. Maybe now was the time for peace.

-Do you think...? I started humbly to build a bridge between us.

-No.

Was he rejecting my stretched out hand for peace?

-I haven't even finished my sentence, how can you just say no? I questioned him. -Do you know what I was going to say?

-No, I won't make a truce with you.

How did he know? Could he read minds?

-What are your reasons? I said and tried to act resolute.

-Do I need a reason?

-Of course...

-You're a bother.

-Hah, how can..., I hardly knew what to say, I was so stunned.

-You wanted a reason, Rogan shrugged his shoulders and walked out of the kitchen.

To be continued...

By J.L.Frick